Riding on the Jesus Train

We talk a lot in our house about Mimi in heaven. 

I was talking today about how I wish she was here to teach me how to iron, I never really picked up the knack for it. But then I realized that if she were here she’d still be doing the ironing for me like she always did. 

That’s when Sawyer said: “Mimi died and went up to heaven. I wonder how long it took her to get their mom? She got a ride on the Jesus train”.

 

Lately I’ve been able to laugh some when I think of her being gone. 

Like the other day when I used a can opener she gave me that never worked right laughing,  I said: “She bought this junky can opener on purpose because she knew she was going to die and she’s trolling me from heaven.”  Then I went to Walmart and finally got us a new one. 

It finally felt ok to replace something she got me. 

Healing is a process…. 

I look at pictures of us together and I don’t cry anymore. I smile and say “oh mom, I miss you.” 

I now do things without her that were so hard for so long, because God has allowed the joy to creep back in. I’ve asked God to step in and be my parent here on earth since both of mine now live in His wonderful presence. 

The other day I went to town alone, that has been one of the hardest things to do. Because if she wasn’t with me we were on the phone while I drove. Anyways on this trip I was driving and talking to God and praising Him. Telling Him the things that I need, the dreams that I have and most of all thanking Him for the love he’s poured out on me. 

It was a wonderful time and I really enjoyed the trip. As I was pulling in the drive I began to wrap it up, when out of my mouth came “Thank you God that I was not alone”. 

That’s when it hit me, He filled mom’s seat. He was my passenger and my dearest friend, He sat with me and listened with the sweetest of loves. 

So although, I hope it’s a long time before I go to heaven, there’s lots to do here.

 I can’t wait to take my seat on the Jesus train and tell Him thank you face to face, thank you for filling the biggest of voids, and thank you God that I was never really alone. 

Grief

I feel like a part of me has died. The part of me that got excited over holidays and gatherings. The part of me that looked forward to life and new things. The part of me that was Joy.  I feel old, disgusting, and washed out. I feel sad, angry, mad at the world and forgotten by God. 

Somewhere, in the midst of the big hits I've taken lately, I've lost me. 

I feel insecure and not worthy of happiness. I feel like a fool for believing that our baby was going to survive. For believing that God was giving us our miracle, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, broken, and unloved.  But most of all and on most days I feel numb, with a side of heart ache. 

Heart ache that lurks at the edges of my soul like a wild animal waiting to tear in to me and rip me in to shreds at the slightest sign of weakness. Pain that threatens to crush what is left of me.  I try to occupy my mind with the good things in the here and now, after all my baby, and my dad have moved on to heaven.  Those parts of my life are over, I must learn to move on, those losses should not be haunting the still, quiet moments after everyone else has fallen asleep or before anyone has woken up. 

The moments when I used to talk to God are now full of the painful silence of tears.  Now I feel like there is a language barrier between my God and I. The only language I can speak right now is grief, and I feel like he deserves only gratitude, and if I can't give him gratitude, who am I to talk to him at all? The God who now holds my baby and walks beside my dad in heaven, the very God that makes the hope of a reunion possible. The same God that I long to be closer to, but feel as though he has turned his back on me. How can I face him and tell him that I am failing? That I feel like I can't get back up this time,  because they have gone, and I am here across an ocean and all of time, completely alone. Separated from everyone by an undescribable grief that I can't seem to put into the right words. Everyone tries to love me, they try to understand. But how can they understand? How can they know how it feels to actually have death happen inside of you? How do you explain what it's like to literally have your dreams live and die in the depths of your own body? To have the one place that your baby is supposed to be safe become a grave? How can words describe what it is like to see death in the mirror every morning? How can they understand that when I breathe out and remember the baby, or my Dadio it hurts to take the next breath in? How do you explain that the simple act of breathing has become painful and requires utmost concentration. That sometimes it isn't one foot in front of the other, it's one breath after another.  I go about my days as usual for the most part. Taking care of the boys, the house, my husband. But my mind is in another world so much of the time, my heart and soul have moved to eternity and I'm not sure how I can bring them back or, if I even want to.... 

My mind drifts back and forth between memories of the past with my dad and the future of my baby. "How many days has dad been gone?" "He would love to see how the boys have grown." "Remember his Yankee dimes?" "The way he sang to me" 

Then comes, "How many days until my due date?" "How big would Jr. Be right now?" "What trimester should I be in? Would I be having morning sickness? What day would we have found out the sex?" "Who's eyes would he have had?" "Will he recognize me when I get to heaven?" "Would he have been taller than me?" 

You see I have spent many years fantasizing over what a pregnancy would be like. Studying the development during pregnancy and all of the body changes that come with it.

One could say that in these cases, knowledge has caused much pain. I know too much, I knew too much when the miscarriage started happening, I knew too much when they said Dad had pancreatic cancer. I knew too much as he started to decline. I knew too much when my pregnancy symptoms started fading and the dr tried to convince me that I could have been earlier in my pregnancy that I thought. Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off, but I can't. I can't shut up the knowledge that I have gained and I can't forget the pain.

Today, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't feel God holding me like I know he did when I was at my lowest. Today I feel alone, and dead in a living world. Today I not only feel separated from heaven, I feel separated from life, I'm not sure where that leaves me? Please don't take this as me saying that I don't believe in God, I whole heartedly do,

I'm just having a hard time finding the tangible Him right now. I'm figuring out how to walk through two pretty big life tragedies, and at the same time my heart is gripped with the fear that another is just around the corner. 

People say that there are seasons to your life, I would say that we are in the season of loss and I am praying daily for the seasons to be changing and the season of miracles to be what is on the horizon for our family. I know that in God's timing he will redeem all of this. But right now, the waiting hurts. 

2014: The Beginning

Ok, so this may be a long post, how do I put one of the most significant years of my life in writing? This may actually take a few posts. 

Here goes: 

January 4th- My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer and told to go home and enjoy what time he had left with his family. 

February 10th- My Dad, one of the smartest men I have ever known, the first man I ever loved, the man who folded me up like a box and carried me under his arm as his box baby, the man who showed me what it means to stare in to the face of God in your darkest hour, the one who walked me down the aisle, took me prom dress shopping, and taught me to speak double pig Latin, sang songs to me like "The House of the Rising Sun" and "Fulsom Prison Blues", who taught me to love The Beatles, and The Beach Boys, told me stories of how all things in California are bigger and better than in Oklahoma. The man who showed me that relationships don't have to be perfect to be important, and that even though we argued we still loved each other so much. That man, opened his eyes one last time to tell my mom that he loved her, and then went into the arms of God. 

Something in me broke that day, when they came to take my Dadio away, I felt the earth shatter. A heart break so tangible that you just know your soul will never be the same. A heart ache that you are sure someone could feel if they touched you. 

There is something about a little girl and her dad, when you lose your dad you learn without a doubt that this world is broken. That heroes do fall, and some things can only be made better on the other side of heaven. 

During the first six weeks of last year I watched more suffering than I ever thought possible, I walked through things that I didn't know I could survive and I kept going. I learned a lot about God and how he holds us up and comforts his children when no earthly force could. 

I learned what an ugly, horrible thing cancer is. 

So, maybe now you can see why I say last year was such a significant year in my life. Before we were even two months in my life was turned upside down. 

I'm back!!!

I've been gone for a while! A long while! I have access to my blog again, and hopefully that means I will blog more soon! 

Good Bye to a Land Mark Year

Good bye 2013
You have been good to me. You have taught me new ways to love and grieve. You have shown me strengths I didn't know that I had. You have taken me to some ugly depths and some gorgeous highs. You have shown me that I am stronger, braver, and crazier than I ever knew. You have pushed me to my limits and then a little farther. You have taught me to stand up for myself and for those who can not speak for themselves. You have shown me how disgusting people can be, and how beautiful redemption can be.

You made me a mother, a mom, Ma, Momma, Mommy, Mommy Valerie......... You have given me many new names.

Last year at this time we were praying that by  Christmas 2013 we would be parents, we became parents on April 6th, that's a little ahead of the schedule we had planned. You had different plans.

You knew that we needed to say yes to a situation that would be the hardest thing we have ever done, for the sake of a child.

I became a mother this year in the many unconventional ways, I have gotten my children at many places, parking lots, dhs buildings, hospitals, delivered to my home. It's been amazing, hard, wonderful, heart breaking, stressful, funny, and crazy to say the least.

I have been a mom to 10 little ones, in the last 9 months. 10 little sets of feet have blessed a once empty home. 100 little finger prints have been all over our house, 20 little eyes have looked into mine, full of wonder. I have kissed 10 little foreheads, bathed 10 little bodies, changed at least 1,000 diapers, fixed many boo boos, solved many fights, rocked 10 little ones, tucked them in, read countless bed time stories, checked for monsters under beds and outside windows.

Some have stayed for as little as two days, our current littles, are our longest placement and have been here for 4.5 months.
I have cried as I rocked a baby for what I knew would be my last time, and cried again when I handed them over to their new family, knowing that I may never see them again. I have rejoiced with a mom who was doing her best to put her family back together, and felt my heart quicken as court dates come and go.
I have learned what it is like to go to bed at night with the worry of where your child will be sleeping next week. I have been given the blessing of having a new born child placed in my arms, an experience that I had long ago given up on. I will never forget that moment, or that feeling. I will cherish it forever. I have been so very very blessed this year.

Thank you 2013 for changing my life, and most of all Thank you God for giving this year to me. Thank you for trusting me with the lives of these little miracles. Thank you for knowing all along that this time would come, and even though I may have given up on my dreams, you knew the plans you made for me. Thank you God for making this a year of prosper for me. I can not wait to see the things that you have in store for me in the future, I know that they are wonderful. I know that you love me and I do not deserve it. Thank you for your grace in my life.

Mawidge, is what bwings us togeva today.....

Marriage..... One word that defines so much of our lives. One word that depending on who it ties you to, can literally make or break you. Marriage can be the courage that you need to try something new, or the blunt force that knocks you down every time you have the will to stand. Marriage can determine so many minor and major details of your everyday and overall life. Marriage can be the biggest blessing, or the fastest path to hell on earth. For me, marriage has been all of these things. Marriage has been the worst thing that ever happened to me and the very very very best example of God's grace and mercy. The first time I was married was very wrong, from the very beginning, for many many reasons. That was the darkest chapter of my life story to date. That short span of time taught me quickly everything that marriage should not be. I lost myself in that time, and made it through some situations that have made me a stronger, wiser, tougher person. While it took me a long time to find myself again, I still learned and am way better off because of those lessons. I learned that I can rely on myself to get things done, I learned that I'm resourceful, and that I really do love myself enough to take care of me. I learned that guardian angels do exist, and that family can forgive ALOT. I learned that big, bad, ugly mistakes happen to all of us, and with the right support, you may not be able to erase them, but you can move on from them. I learned a lot and I was out of there before I was twenty, this has made me wise for my own age.
In fact for the last six years, I have many times felt that I have aged backwards. When I came to where I am now I felt no younger than at least fifty, now I feel like a 22 year old. I'm 26 so I'd say that's a good age to feel.
So what have I learned from my new marriage? I've learned that true love can come to you at any age, and that just because you are too young doesn't mean that love isn't real. I believe God had this person picked out for me way back then and life got in the way. I have learned everything that marriage should be. I've learned that a spouse is someone to be trusted, someone who is on your team, someone who is rooting for you before you even show up at the game. I've learned that God does love me, and he does want me to be happy. I've learned that a true man stays by your side, even when life starts to look completely different than "plan A". I've learned that a disagreement doesn't mean that all the love is gone and that I am worthless. I've learned that its ok to be silly together, and want to spend every waking moment together for years on end. I've learned that I'm a good wife, because God has blessed me with a good man. I have seen rage in my husbands eyes in defense of me, I've seen hurt in his eyes when I've been let down, and every single day, no matter how ugly I have been, I see love in his eyes for me. He has loved me through some of my darkest hours. He has held my hand in dr's offices, and walked me out when I was crying to hard to see. He reassured me for 5 years that it wasn't babies he wanted, it was me. He has paid the price for wounds made by someone else. He has stood behind me as we took the scary steps to be foster parents. He has supported me through multiple jobs, dreams, and adventures. He is an ever present reminder of the blessings in my life. He is God's mercy in my life, and he shows me daily that this path, though it has been very tough at times, this is the path we were made for, and we couldn't walk it with anyone else by our side.
He has restored my belief in life, love, and goodness in this world. I can never thank God enough for this wonderful soul mate of mine.

Bye Bye Baby Bear

So, sometimes when something really hard for me happens, I write a poem about it. It's a good release for me and I NEVER share with hardly anyone. Maybe Kent, but that's rare and embarrassing. I decided to share this one because it means a lot to me.
Baby bear left and even though I knew it was coming, I was really really sad about it for a few days. I wrote this one night while I was holding him and crying for him and praying for him. I read it and remember that God can heal him, no matter what anyone on this earth says. I still miss him a lot, I wonder what he looks like now, and how happy he is. I have no doubt that he is loved though.



I won't be here for your future
Or to see where you will go

They say you won't learn to love
You'll face the world alone

As I hold you in my arms tonight
I see a beautiful life, I pray for you
My tiny love, that what they say is not right

How God's heart must break for us
As does mine for you

He loves us from afar you see
He knows the pain that will come

I will love you from here
And pray that you will know
That in our short time together
You made my heart grow

I pray that you find love so great
That all your hurts are gone

I pray that God heals your soul
Like no earthly parent can do

I don't know why God called me here
To love on you for now

I do know that you are a blessing
And I am forever changed.

I'll say good bye to you soon
You won't remember me

You'll always be in my heart
You're my first son, you see